Love up!

I can’t give you my heart, it’s still in pieces.. Did I ask you to give it to me? I am here because I wanna be here. I can’t commit myself to you, or anyone. The last time I did it, I end up ruining my life. Let’s just stick together. If it meant to be, it will be.. I don’t need your commitments as long as I can call you mine. Do whatever you want. I can’t do this, I don’t wanna do this.. You can. Okay I won’t rush anything, take your time. Just please, don’t break up with me. Why can’t we just be friends? I cannot lose you, I can’t see my self without you. Please stay, I will make you happy.. At least I need five years for my carrer Okay, I will support you.. I don’t want you to do more than holding my hands Alright, is pinching you cheeks okay? It’s my habit, you know that Why do you want me this much? You make me better, nobody does that to me I am not rich I am rich, we don’t need to worry about money I don’t know what to say Just

Getting ready in the morning, telling myself that the nightmare was not real, that I didn't see him with someone else. Taking a cold shower feeling anything but refreshed. Putting on some make up to hide my puffy eyes from all the crying and sleepless night. Putting smile on my face and acting all cheerful through out the day. Doing things in the agenda, coming home feeling empty. Laying in bed at night and do it all over again.. What is wrong with me? Someone told me I am a cheerful person and that I made him happy, but why can't I do that for myself? I want to be happy too. I want to feel something too, anything. This numbness inside is killing me slowly. I don't wanna live this way, this is hurting me badly. I thought I've handled things right. Giving myself the time I need to accept the loss. Making time for family and friends more. Focusing on college and my graduation.  I thought I've done the right things, but why doesn't it feel right? I don

Sometimes, when we get too comfortable with our existence as is when we are in relationships, it's easy to forget other important things in our lives or to lose focus on what we really want. And when you reach an end to it, it feels like you lose yourself. It's not always easy to keep moving forward. My previous posts are the evidence. You may read it if you want. But moving forward for me is just about time. I have to do it sooner or I will ruin my own life. Yes, it is that serious. I’ve read multiple articles about how to move on or how to forget someone, and most of it were saying that I shouldn’t rush the process. Let it heal by time. So I did. It’s been a few months since my break-up. I still have sleeping problems and my under eye looks unhealthy. I still have nightmares. I still feel this ache every time I encounter something that makes me remember my old life. I still miss everything. But lately, I realize I don’t feel as broken as before. I can accept new th

I do hope what’s in my head can come out right in my notes here haha, I am still learning English. Gigi and Zayn! Everybody knows I love them, they are my favorit ‘model-musician’ couple.. so when I read an article about their break up (which was about a few weeks ago), somehow I was feeling heartbroken too. Well, I felt the superficial heartbroken for a while, before (unfortunately) my love story had the same end as them. Hahaha. So since then, I was busy with my own misery. While I am dwelling in my personal hell, trying so hard to move on, it’s a different story for Gigi and Zayn. All I know is that they are still the same person, like their break up is not a big deal, not a big change for their life. They’re still being their super productive self.. zayn making his music and Gigi with her modelling bussiness. And I am soooo envy, how could they be so strong like that? While for me, it feels like a break up is ruining my whole life. When in fact, if I think about it,

Does pain change people? Pain is like a jail, you have to fight your way out, and even when you think you’ve made it out, you are permanently branded by scars. Some people are lucky enough to meet someone else to help them out, before they dwell in pain too long. To meet someone who’d stand by them embracing the scars.  In between my fight for a way out, I met a man. He’s just like him, only much younger. So not long after, I allowed him to be by my side. I don’t think that his presence heal my pain, because I know, I can only heal by myself. But having someone I can depend on really helps that process. The only problem is, I am not the same again. I realized I have changed so much.  I still love. But with my guards up high, not as reachable as I used to be, not as trusting, not as innocent, and not as pure I once were. I always feel cautious, afraid to repeat the same mistakes again. I break hearts to save my own and I can go so long without telling him how I feel beca

What is pain? There are two kinds of pain; physical and emotional. Physical pain heals with time. Emotional pain takes longer and even then, the scars remain. It is much more painful than physical pain. The impact is deeper because we invest too much emotionally than physically. Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. It’s the strongest emotion one can feel. Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has become nearly unbearable. Nobody can understand my pain, I am the only one who know the real intensity. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain of losing someone I’ve been investing so much of my life, love and energy for. He’s my only goal in life, and he left. And it hurts me really bad. I’ve been hurt in life before, but not this much. The kind of ‘hurt’ that would be forgotten when he pulls me to his chest, saying everything is okay by kisses and hugs. But he’s not here today, and here I am allowing this pain to contin

"kamu mau jadi pacarku?", ia mengucapkannya mantap-mantap, pandangannya lurus ke mataku. aku diam, bingung harus merespon bagaimana. ia pasti mengartikan kedekatan kita selama ini dengan salah. ah, tapi dia tinggi, tangannya besar dan orang jawa. bukannya itu tipeku sekarang? alam bawah sadarku berteriak, mengataiku bodoh jika menolak. lagipula, ibu bilang wanita itu lebih baik dicintai daripada mencintai, bukan? dan lagi, aku yakin seiring waktu aku juga akan mencintainya, jadi kuberanikan diri menatap matanya. "iya", aku mendengar kata itu dari mulutku. lirih, tapi cukup keras untuk membuatnya menatapku sumringah dan memberikan pelukan yang kelewat erat.