I Got a Haircut!

Sometimes, when we get too comfortable with our existence as is when we are in relationships, it's easy to forget other important things in our lives or to lose focus on what we really want. And when you reach an end to it, it feels like you lose yourself.

It's not always easy to keep moving forward. My previous posts are the evidence. You may read it if you want. But moving forward for me is just about time. I have to do it sooner or I will ruin my own life. Yes, it is that serious.

I’ve read multiple articles about how to move on or how to forget someone, and most of it were saying that I shouldn’t rush the process. Let it heal by time. So I did. It’s been a few months since my break-up. I still have sleeping problems and my under eye looks unhealthy. I still have nightmares. I still feel this ache every time I encounter something that makes me remember my old life. I still miss everything. But lately, I realize I don’t feel as broken as before. I can accept new things in life; new friends, new activities. And I think that’s a good sign.

I asked a few of my friends on how they handle their break up. One thing that all of them did was getting a haircut. Weird, huh?

For years, my ex had told me to never cut my hair. He loved my long locks. I only got a haircut once a year, usually in my favorite salon and accompanied by him so he can choose a hair style for me. And somehow, I was okay with him controlling me that way.

My friends told me to cut my hair, it’s refreshing, it’s empowering, they said. But I am not an impulsive brat like them wkwk, so I still take my time to think it through. Is this really healthy, or just a quick fix? Because one thing I know is that even though my hair will be different, I'll still have the same problems. So I brush it off every time my friends start to talk about post-breakup-haircut.

I wondered, though, if those haircuts always feel as empowering as they'd said. Is there a sense of cleansing and freedom that I need? But I am worried that letting go of my hair would feel like another loss, and I am not ready for that.

It was last night, when I am getting ready for a bath, I made a choice. It was too hot in my room and suddenly I was tempted to go to a salon, to chop off my hair. But money is such a problem for me that finally I decide to cut my hair by myself.

It’s a tutorial video from youtube that helped me cutting my hair into a shoulder length bob, the length and hairstyle I always wanted, but afraid to get because my ex said I look ugly in it. I am happy with the result. Surprisingly, it suits me. it looks like a professional cut done in a salon. And I feel far from ugly, I feel confident.

It gave me a clear cut off from the girl I was and the girl I was turning into. I could now draw a line between where my old life ended and my new life began.

I was happy in my relationship for a very long time, but I couldn’t see how stifled I’d become, how small. It wasn’t my ex’s fault. I’d made myself that way. I wanted to be more desirable to him that I did all he wanted me to do, and a long hair is just a little part of it. Funny a haircut can do this, but I actually feel good about myself. I feel in control of my life.

After I was done chopping my hair, I took a boomerang of the chops and share it on my instagram. My current boyfriend surprised and said, “jangan pendek-pendek nanti jelek”. And I was laughing so hard. Oh hell nah dude, you wouldn’t treat me like he did me. I would NOT let you treat me like that. I would never, ever feel less of myself again because of other’s opinion, boyfriend or not. So, sorry not sorry if a piece of my mind last night made you feel disrespected or something, you did it first to me.

This is my hair and I would treat it the way I want it to. I wear veil anyway, nobody will see it, but even if somebody does, I wouldn’t care what they think of it. Defining beauty by the length of hair is shallow and it needs to stop. Like right now.

And for you who reads my previous post, you would know that I was waiting for my ex’s reply. Yes, I texted him, asking for a closure. And guess what, he replied this morning.. and let me tell you, yes! This haircut did wonders! I feel empowered that I reply his messages in a clear mind, saying goodbye and telling him I’ve forgave him and his family for myself. I blocked his sosmed, and I feel lighter.

I feel ready for a brand new day. I'm so proud of myself.

Healing and moving forward isn’t an easy process. It is painful, but sometimes it takes a drastic change we have no control over for us to let go, to really let go, of everything that was holding us back. And as for me, I did it really slowly.. but hey, no matter how slow or fast we go, forward is forward right? ;)

- Hanin