Faking happiness is hard

Getting ready in the morning, telling myself that the nightmare was not real, that I didn't see him with someone else. Taking a cold shower feeling anything but refreshed. Putting on some make up to hide my puffy eyes from all the crying and sleepless night. Putting smile on my face and acting all cheerful through out the day. Doing things in the agenda, coming home feeling empty. Laying in bed at night and do it all over again.. What is wrong with me?

Someone told me I am a cheerful person and that I made him happy, but why can't I do that for myself? I want to be happy too. I want to feel something too, anything. This numbness inside is killing me slowly. I don't wanna live this way, this is hurting me badly.

I thought I've handled things right. Giving myself the time I need to accept the loss. Making time for family and friends more. Focusing on college and my graduation. 

I thought I've done the right things, but why doesn't it feel right? I don't feel any different. It's been months, and I am still very much broken. 

It's hard, faking happiness is hard. But I will keep doing this, until I forget that this is all fake.

I hope it is soon before I lost my sanity.

- Hanin