Pain (1)
What is pain?
There are two kinds of pain; physical and emotional. Physical pain heals with time. Emotional pain takes longer and even then, the scars remain. It is much more painful than physical pain. The impact is deeper because we invest too much emotionally than physically.
I was wrong, this pain is not yesterday’s problem. It’s today’s problem, tomorrow’s and everyday after that. And I need to work on my forgiveness from the start again. I tried to contact him, promising myself that it’d be the last time, asking for a closure. But apparently, that is too much to ask for, because up to this day, I still hear no words. This is what happens when I am no longer a part of his life. I am not his priority anymore, I might never was.
So here I am, accepting my pain with no way out.
There are two kinds of pain; physical and emotional. Physical pain heals with time. Emotional pain takes longer and even then, the scars remain. It is much more painful than physical pain. The impact is deeper because we invest too much emotionally than physically.
Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. It’s the strongest emotion one can feel.
Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has become nearly unbearable. Nobody can understand my pain, I am the only one who know the real intensity. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain of losing someone I’ve been investing so much of my life, love and energy for. He’s my only goal in life, and he left. And it hurts me really bad.
Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has become nearly unbearable. Nobody can understand my pain, I am the only one who know the real intensity. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain of losing someone I’ve been investing so much of my life, love and energy for. He’s my only goal in life, and he left. And it hurts me really bad.
I’ve been hurt in life before, but not this much. The kind of ‘hurt’ that would be forgotten when he pulls me to his chest, saying everything is okay by kisses and hugs. But he’s not here today, and here I am allowing this pain to continue. It’d never ends. The pain is so slow and steady, burning me from within.
***
I was only beginning to relax, to finally breathe forgiveness slowly, thinking that the pain is yesterday’s problem, when I found the last picture of us in my facebook account. It’s not us actually, it’s a photograph of our hands intertwining for the last time. I remember we took it in the back seat of his rent car, on the way to the airport. I never thought that’d be the last time I hold him. If only I had known, I could have held him tighter.
The second I saw the picture, I felt the pain crushing me down, again. It was inescapable. It breaks all the wall I’ve been built to avoid me from these kind of feelings again, leaving me so weak.
It happens so suddenly, making me feel as if I barely breathing, barely holding on to that small fraction of whatever is left inside of me begging me to go on, not to give up to the pain.
I was wrong, this pain is not yesterday’s problem. It’s today’s problem, tomorrow’s and everyday after that. And I need to work on my forgiveness from the start again. I tried to contact him, promising myself that it’d be the last time, asking for a closure. But apparently, that is too much to ask for, because up to this day, I still hear no words. This is what happens when I am no longer a part of his life. I am not his priority anymore, I might never was.
So here I am, accepting my pain with no way out.
- Hanin
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