Love up!

I don't think I've fallen that deep. but when I feel so hurt seeing his old snapgrams with her, I know I do. I've fallen in love, so helplessly. and it really hurts to see him with someone else. how they used to be happy together, and how close she is to him right now compared to me. this distance sucks. somebody play "jealous by labrinth" song please, lemme cry myself to sleep.

So much mixed feelings I can’t even put it into words. I feel fine lately. I can even say that I am happy. Those burning pain is gone, finally. Replaced by this warm feelings inside my chest. No, I am not gonna say that it is love. It's too fast. But still, I am very much grateful to the person who make me feel it.  - Hanin

Kau tahu, lagi-lagi malam ini tidurku tak nyenyak. Banyak kali kau sebagai alasan utamanya. Pun kali ini. Detik aku mengetik catatan ini, aku sedang duduk memangku jurnal harianmu. Isinya mimpi-mimpimu yang super itu. Baru saja ku-khatamkan. Walaupun kebanyakan tak bisa kubaca karena tulisanmu yang terlalu artistik. Ada satu halaman yang menohok-ku. Hahaha, bukannya lebay, memang kata-kata yang kau tuliskan disini tajam sekali. Bunyinya begini, "Bismillah, Insyaallah atas izinmu ya Allah, hamba akan menikahi F (sensor) R (sensor) C (sensor) tahun ini, 2018. Insyaallah, amin. Membacanya akan sangat membahagiakan, kalau saja yang tercantum disana namaku. Meskipun nyatanya bukan. Tapi toh, siapapun halal dan sah bermimpi, termasuk kau. Dan apapun itu, termasuk menikahi seseorang yang selalu kau sangkal ketika aku melontarkan pertanyaan, "do you like her?". - Hanin

I woke up today feeling scared. I think the incidents here in Surabaya affects me so much. I was walking to my morning shift in the hospital thingking, “is there any bombing again today?”. It’s still 3 more weeks to go and it’s already this hard. I miss my parents, Tata, Tugas, back at home. I wish the bombing would stop, I feel like a mess already without it. I wanna go home. - Hanin

So, I broke up with my bf today (now ex). I told him I can't do it anymore, that I don't love him enough to keep the relationship for him. I feel sorry that I've hurted him, but it's for the best. The truth need to be told. And that's the truth. It's as simple as that. I should put my feelings before his, and that's what I did. Relationships will only work if the feelings are mutual, and we don't have that. No matter how "boyfriend material" he is, if I don't feel good being in relationship with him, I won't. I feel bad for making him believe that I wanted the relationship as much as him. But, if I have another chance, I would still choose to be honest and break up. - Hanin

I can’t give you my heart, it’s still in pieces.. Did I ask you to give it to me? I am here because I wanna be here. I can’t commit myself to you, or anyone. The last time I did it, I end up ruining my life. Let’s just stick together. If it meant to be, it will be.. I don’t need your commitments as long as I can call you mine. Do whatever you want. I can’t do this, I don’t wanna do this.. You can. Okay I won’t rush anything, take your time. Just please, don’t break up with me. Why can’t we just be friends? I cannot lose you, I can’t see my self without you. Please stay, I will make you happy.. At least I need five years for my carrer Okay, I will support you.. I don’t want you to do more than holding my hands Alright, is pinching you cheeks okay? It’s my habit, you know that Why do you want me this much? You make me better, nobody does that to me I am not rich I am rich, we don’t need to worry about money I don’t know what to say Just ...

Getting ready in the morning, telling myself that the nightmare was not real, that I didn't see him with someone else. Taking a cold shower feeling anything but refreshed. Putting on some make up to hide my puffy eyes from all the crying and sleepless night. Putting smile on my face and acting all cheerful through out the day. Doing things in the agenda, coming home feeling empty. Laying in bed at night and do it all over again.. What is wrong with me? Someone told me I am a cheerful person and that I made him happy, but why can't I do that for myself? I want to be happy too. I want to feel something too, anything. This numbness inside is killing me slowly. I don't wanna live this way, this is hurting me badly. I thought I've handled things right. Giving myself the time I need to accept the loss. Making time for family and friends more. Focusing on college and my graduation.  I thought I've done the right things, but why doesn't it feel right? I don...

it eventually gets better without any sort of explanation one day i just realize that i am no longer upset i am no longer mad, hurt, or bothered by the things that once took so much of my energy, my thoughts, my time i know i will find myself in a peaceful place and enjoy that feeling of forgiveness - Hanin

kadang di tengah malam, aku terbangun. hanya karena aku terbiasa menunggumu di jam-jam itu. otakku lupa, bahwa tak seharusnya aku terjaga dan menunggumu lagi. - Hanin

Pindah. Lagi. Lagi-lagi pindah. Pindah bukan hal baru buat aku, sejak kecil aku sudah seringkali pindah rumah karena bapakku PNS Guru SD. Buat kamu yang juga anak PNS, mungkin juga pernah ngerasain pengalaman ini. Sejak Bapak diangkat PNS tahun 2003, kami sekeluarga pindah. Dari Puger ke Ledokombo. Memang sih, masih dalam satu wilayah kabupaten. Tapi tetep aja, buat anak SD kelas 2 macem aku dulu, itu berat. Kehilangan temen, dan juga harus adaptasi sama lingkungan yang super baru, dan juga yang dihadapi bukan hanya kendala bahasa tapi juga kendala cuaca. Puger adalah wilayah pesisir pantai, sementara Ledokombo pegunungan. Jadilah masa kecilku diisi hari-hari penuh biduran dan bersin-bersin karena cuacanya yang menurut aku, superrrr duingin. Bapak ibuku tidak ada niatan sama sekali untuk menetap dan membeli rumah di Ledokombo, maka hingga kini kami sekeluarga sering berpindah-pindah rumah kontrakan. Kali ini aku tinggal di Desa Sumbersalak, sudah sekitar 2 tahun. Pindah j...

Masih di sore yang sama, di balai desa. Keadaan sudah sepi, petugas dan pejabat desa sudah pulang semua. Aku lega, akhirnya aku sendiri. Yes, I’m that type of person who enjoys my time being alone. Aku lanjut ngedit blog-ku yang masih seumur jagung ini. Kemudian, datanglah beberapa bapak-bapak dan mahasiswa/i KKN, entah dari kampus mana. Its not that I don’t like it, tapi aku awkward akan hal-hal yang berbau social. That’s why aku prefer sendirian. Harusnya aku berdiri dan salim ke beberapa bapak-bapak tadi karena aku cukup kenal dengan mereka, beberapa bahkan teman bapakku. Harusnya aku bertegur sapa dengan mahasiswa/i tadi dan bahkan berkenalan karena kita sama-sama mahasiswa walaupun beda kampus. Harusnya. Nyatanya aku tetap duduk di depan laptop dan sekadar senyum pada bapak-bapak tadi. Mahasiswa/i tadi bahkan tidak kutoleh sama sekali. Aku hanya berbicara ketika salah satu dari mereka permisi untuk charge HP di colokan yang kebetulan ada didekatku duduk. Itupun hany...

Sore ini, seperti biasa aku di balai desa dekat rumah, membawa ransel berisi laptop dan berkas-berkas entah apa saja. Di balai desaku sudah lama disediakan Wi-Fi gratis, memberi kemudahan bagi mahasiswa semester akhir yang qismin sepertiku. Maka sejak itu, kalau ada waktu luang dan sedang tidak di kosku di kota, disinilah tempatku nongkrong. Browsing jurnal, nonton video terbaru Gitasav sampai nulis di blog ini pun aku lakukan disini. Kebiasaan ini termasuk baru, menjadi rutinitasku sejak sebulan terakhir. Kalau boleh jujur, rasanya baik memiliki hal baru untuk dilakukan. Yang sama sekali tidak berkaitan dengan ‘dia’, seseorang yang jauh disana. Yang tidak lagi menjadi bagian hidupku setelah 5 tahun bersama. Ah sudahlah, lagi-lagi aku mulai mengingat masa lalu. Sebenarnya bukan itu yang mau kubahas.. … Kali ini balai desa lengang seperti biasa, hanya tersisa beberapa pegawai dan Pak Kades yang belum pulang karena jam kerja juga belum habis. Ditengah-tengah keser...