Pain (2)

Does pain change people?

Pain is like a jail, you have to fight your way out, and even when you think you’ve made it out, you are permanently branded by scars. Some people are lucky enough to meet someone else to help them out, before they dwell in pain too long. To meet someone who’d stand by them embracing the scars. 

In between my fight for a way out, I met a man. He’s just like him, only much younger. So not long after, I allowed him to be by my side. I don’t think that his presence heal my pain, because I know, I can only heal by myself. But having someone I can depend on really helps that process.

The only problem is, I am not the same again. I realized I have changed so much. 

I still love. But with my guards up high, not as reachable as I used to be, not as trusting, not as innocent, and not as pure I once were. I always feel cautious, afraid to repeat the same mistakes again. I break hearts to save my own and I can go so long without telling him how I feel because I feel safer to keep it all in. I love, but I don’t love wholeheartedly anymore.

I still hope, but not as high as before. I think it’s easier to deal with bad outcomes when you expected them. I often found myself trying to predict how life will let me down so when it does, I won’t be broken.

I don’t believe in dreams and miracles anymore. Good things won’t last. My dreams have become my nightmares and to find a new dream is an impossible thing for me to do. I’ve been investing so much time to shape myself to who I am today, to be what he wants, and when he left, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I lose myself.

And does pain turn people away from their God? I think it does. Somehow to this day, I still blame my God for separating us. After thousand times I put his name in between my prayers, its still not enough. So should I ask Allah for someone new? I don’t think so. What’s meant to be, will be.

***

I am broken, I am full of scars. And to think that he accept me for who I am, I will always be thankfull. This man might be my miracle. But unfortunately, I stopped believing in it.

Sometimes I wish pain didn’t change me this much that I see life in a complete different perspective, in a worst possible way. I wish pain didn’t get so deeply to me so I can love, live, hope and dream like I used to. So I can believe in happiness and miracles the way I used to.

Sometimes I wish I could change pain instead of pain changing me, so I can find a way to be myself again, to be the person I used to be before I was broken.

- Hanin