Love up!

i love you your messy hair your slanted eyes your pointed nose your chubby cheeks your neat teeth your thick lips i love you your 184 cm body your one-pack tummy (lol) your large hands your 30 cm feet i love you your pout your smile your laugh your snore (lol) i love you your breath your smell your personality i love you for everything you are i love you - Hanin

It's always been hard for me to let anyone in. But I let him in slowly. I'm still not sure if this is the right thing to do though. But I trust him.  He's an introvert, just like me. Tonight was the second time he's asking for some "me time", so I let him go..  But every time he does that, it triggers my pathetic-insecure self. I feel like I want to build my guard up again. I know, he was just gone for a few moments, not forever. But my mind was going wild, pushing me to protect my self by pulling me inside my shell.  I wont say I will ever stop him doing that, since I know he need it. Like I do, sometimes.  But I just can't help it. The more he left, the higher I build my guard up around myself. I'm afraid someday I can't let him in anymore. I guess I need to work on my insecurities. It's toxic and I need to stop before I ruin every good thing in my life.  - Hanin

He failed all the test yet he's the only one I allowed to stay. I don't know why. He's different from most guys I know, and I like that about him. I wish He can keep showing me why he deserves to stay. - Hanin

Why do I feel like we're both broken, still? Rotated to each other for some relief For all the burning pain caused by the past - Hanin

So much mixed feelings I can’t even put it into words. I feel fine lately. I can even say that I am happy. Those burning pain is gone, finally. Replaced by this warm feelings inside my chest. No, I am not gonna say that it is love. It's too fast. But still, I am very much grateful to the person who make me feel it.  - Hanin

Kau tahu, lagi-lagi malam ini tidurku tak nyenyak. Banyak kali kau sebagai alasan utamanya. Pun kali ini. Detik aku mengetik catatan ini, aku sedang duduk memangku jurnal harianmu. Isinya mimpi-mimpimu yang super itu. Baru saja ku-khatamkan. Walaupun kebanyakan tak bisa kubaca karena tulisanmu yang terlalu artistik. Ada satu halaman yang menohok-ku. Hahaha, bukannya lebay, memang kata-kata yang kau tuliskan disini tajam sekali. Bunyinya begini, "Bismillah, Insyaallah atas izinmu ya Allah, hamba akan menikahi F (sensor) R (sensor) C (sensor) tahun ini, 2018. Insyaallah, amin. Membacanya akan sangat membahagiakan, kalau saja yang tercantum disana namaku. Meskipun nyatanya bukan. Tapi toh, siapapun halal dan sah bermimpi, termasuk kau. Dan apapun itu, termasuk menikahi seseorang yang selalu kau sangkal ketika aku melontarkan pertanyaan, "do you like her?". - Hanin

You are worth it!

Getting ready in the morning, telling myself that the nightmare was not real, that I didn't see him with someone else. Taking a cold shower feeling anything but refreshed. Putting on some make up to hide my puffy eyes from all the crying and sleepless night. Putting smile on my face and acting all cheerful through out the day. Doing things in the agenda, coming home feeling empty. Laying in bed at night and do it all over again.. What is wrong with me? Someone told me I am a cheerful person and that I made him happy, but why can't I do that for myself? I want to be happy too. I want to feel something too, anything. This numbness inside is killing me slowly. I don't wanna live this way, this is hurting me badly. I thought I've handled things right. Giving myself the time I need to accept the loss. Making time for family and friends more. Focusing on college and my graduation.  I thought I've done the right things, but why doesn't it feel right? I don...

Sometimes, when we get too comfortable with our existence as is when we are in relationships, it's easy to forget other important things in our lives or to lose focus on what we really want. And when you reach an end to it, it feels like you lose yourself. It's not always easy to keep moving forward. My previous posts are the evidence. You may read it if you want. But moving forward for me is just about time. I have to do it sooner or I will ruin my own life. Yes, it is that serious. I’ve read multiple articles about how to move on or how to forget someone, and most of it were saying that I shouldn’t rush the process. Let it heal by time. So I did. It’s been a few months since my break-up. I still have sleeping problems and my under eye looks unhealthy. I still have nightmares. I still feel this ache every time I encounter something that makes me remember my old life. I still miss everything. But lately, I realize I don’t feel as broken as before. I can accept new th...

I do hope what’s in my head can come out right in my notes here haha, I am still learning English. Gigi and Zayn! Everybody knows I love them, they are my favorit ‘model-musician’ couple.. so when I read an article about their break up (which was about a few weeks ago), somehow I was feeling heartbroken too. Well, I felt the superficial heartbroken for a while, before (unfortunately) my love story had the same end as them. Hahaha. So since then, I was busy with my own misery. While I am dwelling in my personal hell, trying so hard to move on, it’s a different story for Gigi and Zayn. All I know is that they are still the same person, like their break up is not a big deal, not a big change for their life. They’re still being their super productive self.. zayn making his music and Gigi with her modelling bussiness. And I am soooo envy, how could they be so strong like that? While for me, it feels like a break up is ruining my whole life. When in fact, if I think about it, ...

Does pain change people? Pain is like a jail, you have to fight your way out, and even when you think you’ve made it out, you are permanently branded by scars. Some people are lucky enough to meet someone else to help them out, before they dwell in pain too long. To meet someone who’d stand by them embracing the scars.  In between my fight for a way out, I met a man. He’s just like him, only much younger. So not long after, I allowed him to be by my side. I don’t think that his presence heal my pain, because I know, I can only heal by myself. But having someone I can depend on really helps that process. The only problem is, I am not the same again. I realized I have changed so much.  I still love. But with my guards up high, not as reachable as I used to be, not as trusting, not as innocent, and not as pure I once were. I always feel cautious, afraid to repeat the same mistakes again. I break hearts to save my own and I can go so long without telling him how I ...

What is pain? There are two kinds of pain; physical and emotional. Physical pain heals with time. Emotional pain takes longer and even then, the scars remain. It is much more painful than physical pain. The impact is deeper because we invest too much emotionally than physically. Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. It’s the strongest emotion one can feel. Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has become nearly unbearable. Nobody can understand my pain, I am the only one who know the real intensity. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain of losing someone I’ve been investing so much of my life, love and energy for. He’s my only goal in life, and he left. And it hurts me really bad. I’ve been hurt in life before, but not this much. The kind of ‘hurt’ that would be forgotten when he pulls me to his chest, saying everything is okay by kisses and hugs. But he’s not here today, and here I am allowing this pain to contin...

it eventually gets better without any sort of explanation one day i just realize that i am no longer upset i am no longer mad, hurt, or bothered by the things that once took so much of my energy, my thoughts, my time i know i will find myself in a peaceful place and enjoy that feeling of forgiveness - Hanin