Love up!

i love you your messy hair your slanted eyes your pointed nose your chubby cheeks your neat teeth your thick lips i love you your 184 cm body your one-pack tummy (lol) your large hands your 30 cm feet i love you your pout your smile your laugh your snore (lol) i love you your breath your smell your personality i love you for everything you are i love you - Hanin

It's always been hard for me to let anyone in. But I let him in slowly. I'm still not sure if this is the right thing to do though. But I trust him.  He's an introvert, just like me. Tonight was the second time he's asking for some "me time", so I let him go..  But every time he does that, it triggers my pathetic-insecure self. I feel like I want to build my guard up again. I know, he was just gone for a few moments, not forever. But my mind was going wild, pushing me to protect my self by pulling me inside my shell.  I wont say I will ever stop him doing that, since I know he need it. Like I do, sometimes.  But I just can't help it. The more he left, the higher I build my guard up around myself. I'm afraid someday I can't let him in anymore. I guess I need to work on my insecurities. It's toxic and I need to stop before I ruin every good thing in my life.  - Hanin

I don't think I've fallen that deep. but when I feel so hurt seeing his old snapgrams with her, I know I do. I've fallen in love, so helplessly. and it really hurts to see him with someone else. how they used to be happy together, and how close she is to him right now compared to me. this distance sucks. somebody play "jealous by labrinth" song please, lemme cry myself to sleep.

He failed all the test yet he's the only one I allowed to stay. I don't know why. He's different from most guys I know, and I like that about him. I wish He can keep showing me why he deserves to stay. - Hanin

Why do I feel like we're both broken, still? Rotated to each other for some relief For all the burning pain caused by the past - Hanin

So much mixed feelings I can’t even put it into words. I feel fine lately. I can even say that I am happy. Those burning pain is gone, finally. Replaced by this warm feelings inside my chest. No, I am not gonna say that it is love. It's too fast. But still, I am very much grateful to the person who make me feel it.  - Hanin

Kuharap kau tak besar kepala karena bisa pergi dan kembali dengan mudahnya. Aku disini hanya menuruti kata hati. Kalau saja hatiku ada di kepala, aku pasti sudah mengatainya bodoh. - Hanin

Kau tahu, lagi-lagi malam ini tidurku tak nyenyak. Banyak kali kau sebagai alasan utamanya. Pun kali ini. Detik aku mengetik catatan ini, aku sedang duduk memangku jurnal harianmu. Isinya mimpi-mimpimu yang super itu. Baru saja ku-khatamkan. Walaupun kebanyakan tak bisa kubaca karena tulisanmu yang terlalu artistik. Ada satu halaman yang menohok-ku. Hahaha, bukannya lebay, memang kata-kata yang kau tuliskan disini tajam sekali. Bunyinya begini, "Bismillah, Insyaallah atas izinmu ya Allah, hamba akan menikahi F (sensor) R (sensor) C (sensor) tahun ini, 2018. Insyaallah, amin. Membacanya akan sangat membahagiakan, kalau saja yang tercantum disana namaku. Meskipun nyatanya bukan. Tapi toh, siapapun halal dan sah bermimpi, termasuk kau. Dan apapun itu, termasuk menikahi seseorang yang selalu kau sangkal ketika aku melontarkan pertanyaan, "do you like her?". - Hanin

Pernahkah kamu menghabiskan waktu menunggu, hanya untuk belajar bahwa yang tercinta tak akan pernah pulang? Bahwa “jarak mengawetkan rindu” adalah kebohongan yang hakiki Bahwa waktu dan kilometer adalah ramuan dari perpisahan Pernahkah? - Hanin

He just came back, innocently Blaming me for all the wrongs in us “if only you did what I told you to..” He just came back, innocently Claiming me his easily “I’m still the same, so are you” He just came back, innocently Treating me like the way he used to “GO HOME NOW!” He came back, And he just left, innocently - Hanin

https://youtu.be/e28nN6cJ_w0

You are worth it!

I woke up today feeling scared. I think the incidents here in Surabaya affects me so much. I was walking to my morning shift in the hospital thingking, “is there any bombing again today?”. It’s still 3 more weeks to go and it’s already this hard. I miss my parents, Tata, Tugas, back at home. I wish the bombing would stop, I feel like a mess already without it. I wanna go home. - Hanin

So, I broke up with my bf today (now ex). I told him I can't do it anymore, that I don't love him enough to keep the relationship for him. I feel sorry that I've hurted him, but it's for the best. The truth need to be told. And that's the truth. It's as simple as that. I should put my feelings before his, and that's what I did. Relationships will only work if the feelings are mutual, and we don't have that. No matter how "boyfriend material" he is, if I don't feel good being in relationship with him, I won't. I feel bad for making him believe that I wanted the relationship as much as him. But, if I have another chance, I would still choose to be honest and break up. - Hanin

I can’t give you my heart, it’s still in pieces.. Did I ask you to give it to me? I am here because I wanna be here. I can’t commit myself to you, or anyone. The last time I did it, I end up ruining my life. Let’s just stick together. If it meant to be, it will be.. I don’t need your commitments as long as I can call you mine. Do whatever you want. I can’t do this, I don’t wanna do this.. You can. Okay I won’t rush anything, take your time. Just please, don’t break up with me. Why can’t we just be friends? I cannot lose you, I can’t see my self without you. Please stay, I will make you happy.. At least I need five years for my carrer Okay, I will support you.. I don’t want you to do more than holding my hands Alright, is pinching you cheeks okay? It’s my habit, you know that Why do you want me this much? You make me better, nobody does that to me I am not rich I am rich, we don’t need to worry about money I don’t know what to say Just ...

Getting ready in the morning, telling myself that the nightmare was not real, that I didn't see him with someone else. Taking a cold shower feeling anything but refreshed. Putting on some make up to hide my puffy eyes from all the crying and sleepless night. Putting smile on my face and acting all cheerful through out the day. Doing things in the agenda, coming home feeling empty. Laying in bed at night and do it all over again.. What is wrong with me? Someone told me I am a cheerful person and that I made him happy, but why can't I do that for myself? I want to be happy too. I want to feel something too, anything. This numbness inside is killing me slowly. I don't wanna live this way, this is hurting me badly. I thought I've handled things right. Giving myself the time I need to accept the loss. Making time for family and friends more. Focusing on college and my graduation.  I thought I've done the right things, but why doesn't it feel right? I don...

Sometimes, when we get too comfortable with our existence as is when we are in relationships, it's easy to forget other important things in our lives or to lose focus on what we really want. And when you reach an end to it, it feels like you lose yourself. It's not always easy to keep moving forward. My previous posts are the evidence. You may read it if you want. But moving forward for me is just about time. I have to do it sooner or I will ruin my own life. Yes, it is that serious. I’ve read multiple articles about how to move on or how to forget someone, and most of it were saying that I shouldn’t rush the process. Let it heal by time. So I did. It’s been a few months since my break-up. I still have sleeping problems and my under eye looks unhealthy. I still have nightmares. I still feel this ache every time I encounter something that makes me remember my old life. I still miss everything. But lately, I realize I don’t feel as broken as before. I can accept new th...

I do hope what’s in my head can come out right in my notes here haha, I am still learning English. Gigi and Zayn! Everybody knows I love them, they are my favorit ‘model-musician’ couple.. so when I read an article about their break up (which was about a few weeks ago), somehow I was feeling heartbroken too. Well, I felt the superficial heartbroken for a while, before (unfortunately) my love story had the same end as them. Hahaha. So since then, I was busy with my own misery. While I am dwelling in my personal hell, trying so hard to move on, it’s a different story for Gigi and Zayn. All I know is that they are still the same person, like their break up is not a big deal, not a big change for their life. They’re still being their super productive self.. zayn making his music and Gigi with her modelling bussiness. And I am soooo envy, how could they be so strong like that? While for me, it feels like a break up is ruining my whole life. When in fact, if I think about it, ...

Does pain change people? Pain is like a jail, you have to fight your way out, and even when you think you’ve made it out, you are permanently branded by scars. Some people are lucky enough to meet someone else to help them out, before they dwell in pain too long. To meet someone who’d stand by them embracing the scars.  In between my fight for a way out, I met a man. He’s just like him, only much younger. So not long after, I allowed him to be by my side. I don’t think that his presence heal my pain, because I know, I can only heal by myself. But having someone I can depend on really helps that process. The only problem is, I am not the same again. I realized I have changed so much.  I still love. But with my guards up high, not as reachable as I used to be, not as trusting, not as innocent, and not as pure I once were. I always feel cautious, afraid to repeat the same mistakes again. I break hearts to save my own and I can go so long without telling him how I ...

What is pain? There are two kinds of pain; physical and emotional. Physical pain heals with time. Emotional pain takes longer and even then, the scars remain. It is much more painful than physical pain. The impact is deeper because we invest too much emotionally than physically. Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. It’s the strongest emotion one can feel. Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has become nearly unbearable. Nobody can understand my pain, I am the only one who know the real intensity. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The pain of losing someone I’ve been investing so much of my life, love and energy for. He’s my only goal in life, and he left. And it hurts me really bad. I’ve been hurt in life before, but not this much. The kind of ‘hurt’ that would be forgotten when he pulls me to his chest, saying everything is okay by kisses and hugs. But he’s not here today, and here I am allowing this pain to contin...

"kamu mau jadi pacarku?", ia mengucapkannya mantap-mantap, pandangannya lurus ke mataku. aku diam, bingung harus merespon bagaimana. ia pasti mengartikan kedekatan kita selama ini dengan salah. ah, tapi dia tinggi, tangannya besar dan orang jawa. bukannya itu tipeku sekarang? alam bawah sadarku berteriak, mengataiku bodoh jika menolak. lagipula, ibu bilang wanita itu lebih baik dicintai daripada mencintai, bukan? dan lagi, aku yakin seiring waktu aku juga akan mencintainya, jadi kuberanikan diri menatap matanya. "iya", aku mendengar kata itu dari mulutku. lirih, tapi cukup keras untuk membuatnya menatapku sumringah dan memberikan pelukan yang kelewat erat.

kamu, aku titip separuhku ya taruh di dadamu mana separuhmu titip saja juga padaku adil begitu bila luka, kita sama - Hanin

it eventually gets better without any sort of explanation one day i just realize that i am no longer upset i am no longer mad, hurt, or bothered by the things that once took so much of my energy, my thoughts, my time i know i will find myself in a peaceful place and enjoy that feeling of forgiveness - Hanin

kadang di tengah malam, aku terbangun. hanya karena aku terbiasa menunggumu di jam-jam itu. otakku lupa, bahwa tak seharusnya aku terjaga dan menunggumu lagi. - Hanin

ketika kata berputar di udara ada rasa ingin memiliki ada rasa suka dan cinta ditambah rasa capuccino dan es coklat maka jadilah sudah, aku resmi milikmu - Hanin

kos brantas, gang enam ayam kecap, bu bas motor butut, vega r modif parfum, morris - Hanin

kisah tentang kita belum terasa cukup tapi sakitnya, cukup menunggunya, cukup berkorbannya, cukup jadi cukup kita cukup sampai disini -Hanin

harus kusalahkan siapa jika yang kubisa selalu menutup pintu dan perintahkan semua pergi adakah yang akan tinggal? menertawai usiranku tetap berdiri menahan pintu bilang, "aku tetap untukmu" -Hanin

baru tangan baru, genggaman baru baru tubuh baru, pelukan baru baru wajah baru, kecupan baru baru hati baru, cinta baru baru aku tidak mau baru aku mau kamu - Hanin

Pindah. Lagi. Lagi-lagi pindah. Pindah bukan hal baru buat aku, sejak kecil aku sudah seringkali pindah rumah karena bapakku PNS Guru SD. Buat kamu yang juga anak PNS, mungkin juga pernah ngerasain pengalaman ini. Sejak Bapak diangkat PNS tahun 2003, kami sekeluarga pindah. Dari Puger ke Ledokombo. Memang sih, masih dalam satu wilayah kabupaten. Tapi tetep aja, buat anak SD kelas 2 macem aku dulu, itu berat. Kehilangan temen, dan juga harus adaptasi sama lingkungan yang super baru, dan juga yang dihadapi bukan hanya kendala bahasa tapi juga kendala cuaca. Puger adalah wilayah pesisir pantai, sementara Ledokombo pegunungan. Jadilah masa kecilku diisi hari-hari penuh biduran dan bersin-bersin karena cuacanya yang menurut aku, superrrr duingin. Bapak ibuku tidak ada niatan sama sekali untuk menetap dan membeli rumah di Ledokombo, maka hingga kini kami sekeluarga sering berpindah-pindah rumah kontrakan. Kali ini aku tinggal di Desa Sumbersalak, sudah sekitar 2 tahun. Pindah j...

Masih di sore yang sama, di balai desa. Keadaan sudah sepi, petugas dan pejabat desa sudah pulang semua. Aku lega, akhirnya aku sendiri. Yes, I’m that type of person who enjoys my time being alone. Aku lanjut ngedit blog-ku yang masih seumur jagung ini. Kemudian, datanglah beberapa bapak-bapak dan mahasiswa/i KKN, entah dari kampus mana. Its not that I don’t like it, tapi aku awkward akan hal-hal yang berbau social. That’s why aku prefer sendirian. Harusnya aku berdiri dan salim ke beberapa bapak-bapak tadi karena aku cukup kenal dengan mereka, beberapa bahkan teman bapakku. Harusnya aku bertegur sapa dengan mahasiswa/i tadi dan bahkan berkenalan karena kita sama-sama mahasiswa walaupun beda kampus. Harusnya. Nyatanya aku tetap duduk di depan laptop dan sekadar senyum pada bapak-bapak tadi. Mahasiswa/i tadi bahkan tidak kutoleh sama sekali. Aku hanya berbicara ketika salah satu dari mereka permisi untuk charge HP di colokan yang kebetulan ada didekatku duduk. Itupun hany...

Sore ini, seperti biasa aku di balai desa dekat rumah, membawa ransel berisi laptop dan berkas-berkas entah apa saja. Di balai desaku sudah lama disediakan Wi-Fi gratis, memberi kemudahan bagi mahasiswa semester akhir yang qismin sepertiku. Maka sejak itu, kalau ada waktu luang dan sedang tidak di kosku di kota, disinilah tempatku nongkrong. Browsing jurnal, nonton video terbaru Gitasav sampai nulis di blog ini pun aku lakukan disini. Kebiasaan ini termasuk baru, menjadi rutinitasku sejak sebulan terakhir. Kalau boleh jujur, rasanya baik memiliki hal baru untuk dilakukan. Yang sama sekali tidak berkaitan dengan ‘dia’, seseorang yang jauh disana. Yang tidak lagi menjadi bagian hidupku setelah 5 tahun bersama. Ah sudahlah, lagi-lagi aku mulai mengingat masa lalu. Sebenarnya bukan itu yang mau kubahas.. … Kali ini balai desa lengang seperti biasa, hanya tersisa beberapa pegawai dan Pak Kades yang belum pulang karena jam kerja juga belum habis. Ditengah-tengah keser...

aku tidak mau sendiri rasanya sepi seperti mau mati kenapa harus begitu? padahal ada kamu dulu kamu dimana? aku rindu, cinta pulanglah bawa aku kemana terserah aku tidak mau sendiri rasanya sepi seperti mau mati - Hanin